How to be supportive: Part I

This week has been difficult. I am finding (and I think E would agree with me on this) that each month is growing more and more trying. The reasons are relatively obvious:

• time continues to go by, and we still do not have a baby-in-the-making
• one (or two) begins to grow frustrated with failure after failure
• our life seems to be on hold until we can achieve pregnancy

What seems to be less apparent is how people in our lives should attend to our feelings on this matter -and perhaps, in general. So, here is a short primer:

Don't...

• ...talk to me while pretending like there is nothing wrong in my life. Especially during weeks of particularly bad circumstance, I am frustrated/pissed/miserable/anxious etc... I am capable of talking about other things, but I don't do pretending. I never pretended that my parents didn't go through a nasty divorce. I never hid the fact that my father was battling cancer, and after he died, I was open about how hard it was. I am, as is Erin, and open person. Not acknowledging the spectrum of my emotions indicates that we (me and whoever I am talking to) have little more than an acquaintenceship. All this requires is asking me how I'm doing, and meaning it.
• ...tell me that it will be ok. This is particularly the case if I have just opened up to you to talk about how I am feeling. It is NOT OK!!!! IT IS NOT OK!!! We have been trying to conceive (ttc) for nearly 2 years. We have spent THOUSANDS of dollars, and HUNDREDS of hours going to Dr.'s appointments, selecting donors, being extra healthy, dreaming, and hoping. It does not feel ok that we are not pregnant. Telling me otherwise is very invalidating.
• ...tell me that the right baby will come along for us. This is just not comforting at all. This may be true, but I (we) have every right to be upset in the meantime.
• ...be afraid of talking to us. Enough said.

Do

• ...ask us both how we are doing. We are both hurting and frustrated. We need you right now.
• ...listen to us.
• ...leave comments on the blog. We truly appreciate this - especially since we're putting ourselves out there for the whole world to see.

We have received a great deal of support...we are lucky to have so many good friends and family members rooting for us.