Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Either that, or I think we need another puppy.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I am something of an emotional roller coaster. I can't even blame it on AF as no one knows when she'll show up since I won't even ovulate this month. In all of the fertility blogs we read there are dozens of abbreviations and shorthand ways of conveying information. (AF, ttc, tww, 7dpo, etc...) I think we should add some sort of emotional measuring shorthand to this mix. On a scale of apathy, I am a 2 today. On the frustration scale, I am at 7.5 (down from 9). The amount of energy I have is around a 3.
There will be no real news until I get the results of my bloodwork, which will be sometime after the end of next week. Until then, we're going to be keeping busy and trying to stay positive.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
This sister of mine is the most amazing mother I've ever seen. I had never really seen unconditional love until I saw her with her daughter. I have never seen anyone love so deeply or completely as she does... and her patience! She is so patient that she will read the same book or sing the same song 15 times in one day.
B is my #1 supporter outside of my wonderful wife. She is always on my side, and she always roots for me. When we were little, we used to stay up late singing songs, doing gymnastics on our bunk beds, or cleaning our room as a surprise for mom. We have always known that our bond was a great gift. I wasn't more than five or six years old when we coined the term "fristers" because we were so much more than just sisters or just friends. In our teen years, we weathered a painful divorce with all of the usual baggage. Years later, we stuck together again when dad was dying, remarried, and spiteful toward our mother. We share memories, we rely on each other for our histories, and we love each other immensely.
When E and I first started dating, I needed to communicate with B things were a bit different. We had dinner with B and her hubby (then boyfriend.) That dinner was TERRIBLE! B was so uncomfortable, and so was I. It wasn't a month later, though, that B became my full supporter. It was readily apparent that I was happy and that E was an amazing person; that's all she needed. In the last 5.5 years, B has used her position as an ally and Social Worker to confront homophobia in a part of the world that is exposed to very little beyond conservative Christian teachings. Every time she does so, I know she is making the world a better place for me, E, our children, and everyone else. Every time she does so, I am proud she is my sister.
As these months have worn on, B has even stepped up in supporting me... She leaves us messages on the blog; she calls to see how we're doing; she waits for text messages indicating the go/no-go status of things. I think she not only knows how much we want this, but she also understands how much joy a child can bring.
B, thank you for being an amazing sister, for always supporting me, and for always loving me. Thank you for being my frister. I love you,
- time continues to go by, and we still do not have a baby-in-the-making
- one (or two) begins to grow frustrated with failure after failure
- our life seems to be on hold until we can achieve pregnancy
What seems to be less apparent is how people in our lives should attend to our feelings on this matter -and perhaps, in general. So, here is a short primer:
- ...talk to me while pretending like there is nothing wrong in my life. Especially during weeks of particularly bad circumstance, I am frustrated/pissed/miserable/anxious etc... I am capable of talking about other things, but I don't do pretending. I never pretended that my parents didn't go through a nasty divorce. I never hid the fact that my father was battling cancer, and after he died, I was open about how hard it was. I am, as is Erin, and open person. Not acknowledging the spectrum of my emotions indicates that we (me and whoever I am talking to) have little more than an acquaintenceship. All this requires is asking me how I'm doing, and meaning it.
- ...tell me that it will be ok. This is particularly the case if I have just opened up to you to talk about how I am feeling. It is NOT OK!!!! IT IS NOT OK!!! We have been trying to conceive (ttc) for nearly 2 years. We have spent THOUSANDS of dollars, and HUNDREDS of hours going to Dr.'s appointments, selecting donors, being extra healthy, dreaming, and hoping. It does not feel ok that we are not pregnant. Telling me otherwise is very invalidating.
- ...tell me that the right baby will come along for us. This is just not comforting at all. This may be true, but I (we) have every right to be upset in the meantime.
- ...be afraid of talking to us. Enough said.
- ...ask us both how we are doing. We are both hurting and frustrated. We need you right now.
- ...listen to us.
- ...leave comments on the blog. We truly appreciate this - especially since we're putting ourselves out there for the whole world to see.
We have received a great deal of support...we are lucky to have so many good friends and family members rooting for us.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The news we received was not good at all. Not only had the one follicle (our only chance in hell this month) not grown at all, but my estradiol (estrogen) actually dropped - in half. What does this mean, you may ask....
- Ovulation will not occur this month.
- We don't have to truck 2 vials and a huge container of Bernard to Chicago and MI.
- I can drink wine with my family this weekend, and with E on Saturday night when we're hanging in the windy city.
- My body is actually regressing... not one f#cking follicle this month, after all this time. A big fat ZERO!
- We're getting more anxious - especially me. I'M SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! GIVE ME A BABY, ALREADY!
The acupuncture did help w/ the stress this afternoon.... but if it doesn't make us pregnant, it's not good enough.
We will be regrouping over the weekend. I have to have a bunch of bloodwork done late next week to see if something weird is going on. (I have had all of this done before, so we're expecting it to come back normal.) Other than that... not much to look forward to.
My old boss is asking us to sign a letter to win a playground for her son's school. If you have a second, please follow the link and sign the letter. Thanks!
Jordan’s elementary school was recently named as a finalist in the Playskool “Win a Boundless Playground” Contest – one of 20 out of 930 entries nationwide! The grand prize winner to be announced April 15th will receive a $300,000 playground.
If you have two extra seconds sometime in the next few days, would you please sign the letter of support for Jordan ’s school? Just follow this link…http://playgroundsupport.com/ and fill in the 3 little boxes.
With Deepest Thanks,
Cathy Moore (and Jordan!)
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
On an entirely different - yet interesting- note. I received these pics over email today:
NP suggested coming back on Thursday for another ultrasound. She seems to think by then the follicle will have grown to around 19 and S can get the hCG shot. However, this is where the kink is thrown into the plan. I have to leave at noon for board meetings in Chicago all weekend. If in fact S's follicle has grown to larger than 19 the insemination dates will be Friday and Saturday.
This poses two problems. One, I will not be able to be in Madison during those days as I have about 12 hours each day of meetings. Two, S will have to be in Madison alone while trying to get pregnant. Neither of these options work very well with our co-dependant neurotic desperate lesbian selves.
Soooooooooo, what is a co-dependant desperate lesbian couple to do......well, we can't let a month pass with out trying to make sperm meet ovum.....on to plan #6,000.....
1. We ordered two ICI (this is used for at home insemination) of Bernard for delivery tomorrow.
2. We scheduled the ultrasound for Thursday
3. Pack the sperm and liquid nitrogen container in the car with two of my co-workers, S, myself, and suitcases and drive to Chicago.
4. S will pack the sperm and liquid nitrogen container and take the train to Grand Rapids (GR) to see her family.
5. S will inseminate in GR by herself (stay away Betsey and Katie!)
6. S will pack the sperm and liquid nitrogen container on the train again on Sat. and return to Chicago
7. We will inseminate in Chicago on Saturday.
8. We will then drive the liquid nitrogen container back to Madison to ship it back to Virginia.
9. We will start the dreaded two week wait (tww).
Here is the approximate size of the liquid nitrogen container....not really all that easy to move around with! (This picture is from 1.5 years ago when we thought we were introducing Leah and her cousin! Time does fly.) S is on her knees in this picture but the tank is not a small item!
This is all if the Thursday ultrasound gives good answers. If not.....who knows what we will do with the Bernard's ICI sperm.....I guess we'll just have to get creative.
All this and board meetings has left me drained....but I'm still going to work till about 10 pm tonight.
Monday, February 19, 2007
- Ultrasound will show that the endometrial strip is a minimum of 8mm (hope for more, actually, but we've always been pretty good on this measure.)
- U/S will show at least one follicle (still in ovary) - hopefully multiple follicles - that measure a minimum of 17 x 17. (December was our first month of making this goal, which was why it was so huge. We had measurements of 22 and 24, which is great! Let's do it again!)
- Bloodwork will come back indicating that my estradiol (estrogen) level is high enough - at least 300 or so. (December, we hit around 385!)
So, IFF all of those signs line up, we then get to have the trigger shot (HCG) that will tell my ovaries to let those eggs go! 24-48 hours later, that's exactly what should happen. Then, we go back on Wednesday and Thursday for the actual procedure (as if the ultrasound isn't a procedure...) If we make it to the trigger shot, we are hoping for the following:
In that order.
So, that's the haps around here. Today at lunch, we were discussing whether or not we wanted family members to stay with us when the baby is born. Premature, perhaps... but baby is all we think about; we have to vary the baby-focused topics from time to time.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
The evening started out a bit more like a traditional V-Day... E returned from dog class and we sat down to a nice meal full of romantic candle light, heart-shaped mushroom panini's, and lots of shrimp scampi. Dessert... mmmm... was probably my favorite: chocolate mousse, from scratch. Nothing good for you in that one, but rich and perfect. Yum.
As E and I were readying ourselves for bed, one of the cats (Tanner) was overly interested in the recycling bin beneath the sink. We have suspected for some time that something very interesting goes on beneath the sink as every morning the cupboard door is wide open. Erin has even seen the cats both sitting in there. We also figured that those happenings were most likely related to mouse-hunting as Tanner has proven his prowess as a hunter in the past (last week, for instance.) So, we happened upon the cat peering into the recycling bin while paying no attention to us as we entered the room. I immediately suspected mouse and tore the cat away from his game.
Sure enough, a mouse had been dropped (Tanner) into the bin and was trying to jump his way out. Each jump elicited a small screech from me, so E covered the bin with a paper bag and ran the little thing outside to let it go - probably so that it could run right back in... We then spent the next hour+ cleaning and disinfecting under the sink. We also have an appointment with the Orkin man tomorrow morning. Gross!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
With all signs pointing forward we are greatly anticipating Tuesday's ultrasound to find out how many follicles we have!
S would have probably opted for a different way to start Valentine's Day but I'm sure she (I know I am) is pleased with the results!
775 days ago I stood before family, friends, and God and said these words as I dedicated all I am to you.
I am grateful to you for all that you are.
Before you, I was content to live life
With you, I am inspired to experience all of God’s creation
I cherish the qualities you bring to our relationship.
You are my friend.
You are my most intimate companion.
Thank you for your love, your support and your strength
Thank you for your tears and your laughter
Today, I give you my heart
I promise to honor you in life.
I will remain faithful for all time.
I will nurture our relationship
I will support your growth spiritually and personally
I promise to listen to you.
I will encourage you.
I promise to endure good times and bad
To spend my life, forever, with you.
I love you.
These words grow more true with every experience, conversation, disagreement, and day I spend with you. You have helped me grow, you have shone me love, and you have remained my most intimate companion. I promise to stay true to these vows, work to improve on the things I lack, and to love you every day of my life.
Thank you for all that you are. You are my life. Happy Valentine's Day!
All my love,
Monday, February 12, 2007
So, I had one today at lunch and E said, "you should go get acupuncture." I was doing it last fall, and I wasn't the biggest fan of my practitioner. So, I stopped. We had friends over yesterday, though, and one of them suggested a new office. I tried them out today. the CA was very knowledgeable about fertility (something my first needed to brush up on, at best.) The appt was about 2 hours long w/ the personal history yada yada... Then the needles. I rec'd needles for my kidneys, reproductive system and for anxiety. Ahhhhhhhhh (contented sigh.)
Just before I left, for a little extra ovulatory stimulation, the acupuncturist put two tiny magnets in my right ear. You have to get up close and personal to see them, but if you see me rubbing my ear, you know that I'm working on my fertility. Tonight, I'm as calm and focused as ever. Going back next week for sure! (After that, we will be pregnant - fingers crossed.)
We are very anxious - good anxious- this month. I think both of us feel like we are likely to get pregnant this month (moment of pessimism - hopefully.) We are just playing the stats game now. Wednesday's procedure will give us a lot to hope for if all's clear.... Last month was really hard b/c we weren't trying. In spite of that, baby-making is all we can really think about these days. As E says, idle anxiety is the worst (last month). This month, we are able to obsess over all sorts of little details to distract us - we feel like we have more control b/c we are doing something, I guess. I know I do anyways. So, on to baby-making Feb 2007. We need all of the good thoughts, love and prayers we can get. That's what you all can do for us. :-)
Friday, February 9, 2007
The timing of this stuff really stinks. It seems like we can't catch many breaks. S's cycle looks great for Jan with no med help and that is good news. What I want to know though is why oh why can't the timing just be one day earlier? I am not willing to skip this month and would rather have a BFP (Dad, that means a big f***ing positive pregnancy test) than be at the insemination. Afterall....it's already taking a village.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
We will be arranging for a few tests in the coming week. One to see if S's fallopian tubes are clear and the other to check for polyps in her uterus (just to make sure they haven't come back). Let's hope the good news keeps rollin' in!
Fingers crossed for AF to come today. I have to go to Chicago in two weeks for my strategic planning with my board and we don't want insemination day to land on a day I am gone.....
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Today is a busy one for me. I have work, dog agility, and then a conference call tonight for work. Yuck....poor me!
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Other than that, no big shakes in Mad-town. Tonight, E and I start our boxing class. We have to buy handwraps and everything! It'll be fun to learn something new.
Monday, February 5, 2007
We did all kinds of things...
1. They visited me at work and took me to lunch on Friday.
2. Went to a fancy dinner (special restaurant weekend thing here in Madison)
3. Played with the walnuts
4. Went swimming at the YMCA
5. Made soup
6. Boogied (Leah especially)
7. Colored (E mainly picked up 96 cryons)
8. Went to the Children's Museum
9. Went shopping for a nap!
10. Drove around for a nap!
11. Went shopping (E and Leah)so Mom could nap
12. Watched the Super Bowl
We can't wait to see them again. Next time Leah will have a sister!