Ho Hum

I go in for bloodwork tomorrow. I'm not sure when I'll get to find out the results... I'm not even entirely sure what they are testing for... I know we're going to check my progesterone levels, which doesn't seem productive considering we're reasonably sure I've not ovulated this month. (Last month would have been better b/c we thought I'd ovulated, but we weren't trying....) I think our NP also wants to check my thyroid, which was fine a year ago. In addition, I'm pretty sure they are going to look at some of my other hormone levels.... I don't actually have any high hopes for anything they find. I don't think we're going to be getting any newsflashes.

I've done my good deed for the day

or so my neighbor told me. I just pushed Donna out of the snowbank at the end of her driveway. This doesn't seem to me so much a good deed for the day as it does neighborly, especially since our neighbors around here clear our snow from the sidewalk on occasion -not even just because we're gone. Still, I'm thinking I may enlist karma here. I'm going to keep committing good deeds for the day in hopes that karma will reward me w/ a baby.

Either that, or I think we need another puppy.

I'm an emotional wreck

I just re-read my first post from yesterday.... perhaps I was a bit upset... well, I'm better now. It's possible that my words were directed at one person in particular. Thank you to everyone who does support us; we certainly appreciate you.

I am something of an emotional roller coaster. I can't even blame it on AF as no one knows when she'll show up since I won't even ovulate this month. In all of the fertility blogs we read there are dozens of abbreviations and shorthand ways of conveying information. (AF, ttc, tww, 7dpo, etc...) I think we should add some sort of emotional measuring shorthand to this mix. On a scale of apathy, I am a 2 today. On the frustration scale, I am at 7.5 (down from 9). The amount of energy I have is around a 3.

There will be no real news until I get the results of my bloodwork, which will be sometime after the end of next week. Until then, we're going to be keeping busy and trying to stay positive.

How to be supportive: Part II (or: Fristers)

B is my sister closest in age. She is two years younger than I, and is going to be a mother of two little girls sometime in the next two weeks or so. I've dubbed the newest addition "Ramona", but B and her hubby don't seem to be the biggest fans. We'll see.

This sister of mine is the most amazing mother I've ever seen. I had never really seen unconditional love until I saw her with her daughter. I have never seen anyone love so deeply or completely as she does... and her patience! She is so patient that she will read the same book or sing the same song 15 times in one day.

B is my #1 supporter outside of my wonderful wife. She is always on my side, and she always roots for me. When we were little, we used to stay up late singing songs, doing gymnastics on our bunk beds, or cleaning our room as a surprise for mom. We have always known that our bond was a great gift. I wasn't more than five or six years old when we coined the term "fristers" because we were so much more than just sisters or just friends. In our teen years, we weathered a painful divorce with all of the usual baggage. Years later, we stuck together again when dad was dying, remarried, and spiteful toward our mother. We share memories, we rely on each other for our histories, and we love each other immensely.

When E and I first started dating, I needed to communicate with B things were a bit different. We had dinner with B and her hubby (then boyfriend.) That dinner was TERRIBLE! B was so uncomfortable, and so was I. It wasn't a month later, though, that B became my full supporter. It was readily apparent that I was happy and that E was an amazing person; that's all she needed. In the last 5.5 years, B has used her position as an ally and Social Worker to confront homophobia in a part of the world that is exposed to very little beyond conservative Christian teachings. Every time she does so, I know she is making the world a better place for me, E, our children, and everyone else. Every time she does so, I am proud she is my sister.

As these months have worn on, B has even stepped up in supporting me... She leaves us messages on the blog; she calls to see how we're doing; she waits for text messages indicating the go/no-go status of things. I think she not only knows how much we want this, but she also understands how much joy a child can bring.

B, thank you for being an amazing sister, for always supporting me, and for always loving me. Thank you for being my frister. I love you,
Sara

p.s. I know you probably don't like this pic, but it's the most recent I have!

How to be supportive: Part I

This week has been difficult. I am finding (and I think E would agree with me on this) that each month is growing more and more trying. The reasons are relatively obvious:

• time continues to go by, and we still do not have a baby-in-the-making
• one (or two) begins to grow frustrated with failure after failure
• our life seems to be on hold until we can achieve pregnancy

What seems to be less apparent is how people in our lives should attend to our feelings on this matter -and perhaps, in general. So, here is a short primer:

Don't...

• ...talk to me while pretending like there is nothing wrong in my life. Especially during weeks of particularly bad circumstance, I am frustrated/pissed/miserable/anxious etc... I am capable of talking about other things, but I don't do pretending. I never pretended that my parents didn't go through a nasty divorce. I never hid the fact that my father was battling cancer, and after he died, I was open about how hard it was. I am, as is Erin, and open person. Not acknowledging the spectrum of my emotions indicates that we (me and whoever I am talking to) have little more than an acquaintenceship. All this requires is asking me how I'm doing, and meaning it.
• ...tell me that it will be ok. This is particularly the case if I have just opened up to you to talk about how I am feeling. It is NOT OK!!!! IT IS NOT OK!!! We have been trying to conceive (ttc) for nearly 2 years. We have spent THOUSANDS of dollars, and HUNDREDS of hours going to Dr.'s appointments, selecting donors, being extra healthy, dreaming, and hoping. It does not feel ok that we are not pregnant. Telling me otherwise is very invalidating.
• ...tell me that the right baby will come along for us. This is just not comforting at all. This may be true, but I (we) have every right to be upset in the meantime.
• ...be afraid of talking to us. Enough said.

Do

• ...ask us both how we are doing. We are both hurting and frustrated. We need you right now.
• ...listen to us.
• ...leave comments on the blog. We truly appreciate this - especially since we're putting ourselves out there for the whole world to see.

We have received a great deal of support...we are lucky to have so many good friends and family members rooting for us.

Bust

This month is a total bust. My temp was low this a.m., so E was pretty sure that I was going to ovulate at some point today. We called the NP, and she fit us into the ultrasound and consultation schedule. She figured it was better to check than miss it. (She's the best.)

The news we received was not good at all. Not only had the one follicle (our only chance in hell this month) not grown at all, but my estradiol (estrogen) actually dropped - in half. What does this mean, you may ask....

1. Ovulation will not occur this month.
2. We don't have to truck 2 vials and a huge container of Bernard to Chicago and MI.
3. I can drink wine with my family this weekend, and with E on Saturday night when we're hanging in the windy city.
4. My body is actually regressing... not one f#cking follicle this month, after all this time. A big fat ZERO!
5. We're getting more anxious - especially me. I'M SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! GIVE ME A BABY, ALREADY!

The acupuncture did help w/ the stress this afternoon.... but if it doesn't make us pregnant, it's not good enough.

We will be regrouping over the weekend. I have to have a bunch of bloodwork done late next week to see if something weird is going on. (I have had all of this done before, so we're expecting it to come back normal.) Other than that... not much to look forward to.

15 Seconds

Hey all-

My old boss is asking us to sign a letter to win a playground for her son's school. If you have a second, please follow the link and sign the letter. Thanks!

*************************
Hello all!

Jordan’s elementary school was recently named as a finalist in the Playskool “Win a Boundless Playground” Contest – one of 20 out of 930 entries nationwide! The grand prize winner to be announced April 15th will receive a $300,000 playground.

If you have two extra seconds sometime in the next few days, would you please sign the letter of support for Jordan ’s school? Just follow this link…http://playgroundsupport.com/ and fill in the 3 little boxes.

With Deepest Thanks,

Cathy Moore (and Jordan!)

Today Sucks

Personally, I've had it with today; although, I'm still optimistic about Thursday. The NP is also optimistic, so we have a chance. A second chance is better than a total bust. It just feels unfair.



On an entirely different - yet interesting- note. I received these pics over email today:

Getting Creative in the Creation

Well, today did not go as we had hoped. Turns out we have one follicle that is 13 and a few that are much smaller. Our NP didn't seem too discouraged by the news but we were. As S says, "it just seems like more bad news every time."

NP suggested coming back on Thursday for another ultrasound. She seems to think by then the follicle will have grown to around 19 and S can get the hCG shot. However, this is where the kink is thrown into the plan. I have to leave at noon for board meetings in Chicago all weekend. If in fact S's follicle has grown to larger than 19 the insemination dates will be Friday and Saturday.

This poses two problems. One, I will not be able to be in Madison during those days as I have about 12 hours each day of meetings. Two, S will have to be in Madison alone while trying to get pregnant. Neither of these options work very well with our co-dependant neurotic desperate lesbian selves.

Soooooooooo, what is a co-dependant desperate lesbian couple to do......well, we can't let a month pass with out trying to make sperm meet ovum.....on to plan #6,000.....

1. We ordered two ICI (this is used for at home insemination) of Bernard for delivery tomorrow.
2. We scheduled the ultrasound for Thursday
3. Pack the sperm and liquid nitrogen container in the car with two of my co-workers, S, myself, and suitcases and drive to Chicago.
4. S will pack the sperm and liquid nitrogen container and take the train to Grand Rapids (GR) to see her family.
5. S will inseminate in GR by herself (stay away Betsey and Katie!)
6. S will pack the sperm and liquid nitrogen container on the train again on Sat. and return to Chicago
7. We will inseminate in Chicago on Saturday.
8. We will then drive the liquid nitrogen container back to Madison to ship it back to Virginia.
9. We will start the dreaded two week wait (tww).


Here is the approximate size of the liquid nitrogen container....not really all that easy to move around with! (This picture is from 1.5 years ago when we thought we were introducing Leah and her cousin! Time does fly.) S is on her knees in this picture but the tank is not a small item!

This is all if the Thursday ultrasound gives good answers. If not.....who knows what we will do with the Bernard's ICI sperm.....I guess we'll just have to get creative.

All this and board meetings has left me drained....but I'm still going to work till about 10 pm tonight.

Anticipating....

It definitely feels like Monday today... the day is progressing a bit slowly b/c tomorrow we have our ultrasound. It's there that we'll know whether or not we're going to be able to try this week. Here is how the ideal appointment will go:

- Ultrasound will show that the endometrial strip is a minimum of 8mm (hope for more, actually, but we've always been pretty good on this measure.)
- U/S will show at least one follicle (still in ovary) - hopefully multiple follicles - that measure a minimum of 17 x 17. (December was our first month of making this goal, which was why it was so huge. We had measurements of 22 and 24, which is great! Let's do it again!)
- Bloodwork will come back indicating that my estradiol (estrogen) level is high enough - at least 300 or so. (December, we hit around 385!)

So, IFF all of those signs line up, we then get to have the trigger shot (HCG) that will tell my ovaries to let those eggs go! 24-48 hours later, that's exactly what should happen. Then, we go back on Wednesday and Thursday for the actual procedure (as if the ultrasound isn't a procedure...) If we make it to the trigger shot, we are hoping for the following:

1. Fertilization!
2. Implantation!

In that order.

So, that's the haps around here. Today at lunch, we were discussing whether or not we wanted family members to stay with us when the baby is born. Premature, perhaps... but baby is all we think about; we have to vary the baby-focused topics from time to time.

It's going to be a wild, wild week!

This week is going to be a fast-moving week! Tomorrow we don't have anything planned, but Tuesday we have the ultrasound - fingers crossed for lots of follicles! Wednesday and Thursday we are scheduled for the official appointments. Then, we're off to Chicago for E's conference. Lots to do in this short week! Keep us in your thoughts- we're hoping for really good news in 3 weeks!!!!

From mousse to mouse

Valentine's Day 2007 was unlike any I've had in the past. The day began a bit strangely; we had our HSG, as you all know, an odd way to begin such a love-ly day. The procedure was very quick - not entirely painless - but after the first 4-6 seconds, it was much more of a "discomfort." Said discomfort was, though, entirely worth the good news we received: free and clear tubes.

The evening started out a bit more like a traditional V-Day... E returned from dog class and we sat down to a nice meal full of romantic candle light, heart-shaped mushroom panini's, and lots of shrimp scampi. Dessert... mmmm... was probably my favorite: chocolate mousse, from scratch. Nothing good for you in that one, but rich and perfect. Yum.

As E and I were readying ourselves for bed, one of the cats (Tanner) was overly interested in the recycling bin beneath the sink. We have suspected for some time that something very interesting goes on beneath the sink as every morning the cupboard door is wide open. Erin has even seen the cats both sitting in there. We also figured that those happenings were most likely related to mouse-hunting as Tanner has proven his prowess as a hunter in the past (last week, for instance.) So, we happened upon the cat peering into the recycling bin while paying no attention to us as we entered the room. I immediately suspected mouse and tore the cat away from his game.

Sure enough, a mouse had been dropped (Tanner) into the bin and was trying to jump his way out. Each jump elicited a small screech from me, so E covered the bin with a paper bag and ran the little thing outside to let it go - probably so that it could run right back in... We then spent the next hour+ cleaning and disinfecting under the sink. We also have an appointment with the Orkin man tomorrow morning. Gross!

"About as good as it gets"

That is a direct quote from Dan the x-ray tech today after HSG. S's fallopian tubes are clear! Dan said that the liquid went through the tube really fast and that was a good sign.

With all signs pointing forward we are greatly anticipating Tuesday's ultrasound to find out how many follicles we have!

S would have probably opted for a different way to start Valentine's Day but I'm sure she (I know I am) is pleased with the results!

My Valentine

S,

775 days ago I stood before family, friends, and God and said these words as I dedicated all I am to you.

I am grateful to you for all that you are.
Before you, I was content to live life
With you, I am inspired to experience all of God’s creation
I cherish the qualities you bring to our relationship.
You are my friend.
You are my most intimate companion.
Thank you for your love, your support and your strength
Thank you for your tears and your laughter

Today, I give you my heart
I promise to honor you in life.
I will remain faithful for all time.
I will nurture our relationship
I will support your growth spiritually and personally
I promise to listen to you.
I will encourage you.
I promise to endure good times and bad
To spend my life, forever, with you.
I love you.

These words grow more true with every experience, conversation, disagreement, and day I spend with you. You have helped me grow, you have shone me love, and you have remained my most intimate companion. I promise to stay true to these vows, work to improve on the things I lack, and to love you every day of my life.

Thank you for all that you are. You are my life. Happy Valentine's Day!

All my love,

Erin

I have magnets in my ear

So, today after I had lunch w/ E, I had one of these little anxiety attacks that have been haunting me lately. I'll be sitting somewhere, minding my own business and thinking of a perfectly rational thing... all of a sudden, a blast from the past occurs: I begin obsessing over a situation that happened a long time ago and how I made a weird joke or didn't respond to someone as I should have.... As you all know, I am prone to some neuroses, but this is an entirely new one... and I don't like it.

So, I had one today at lunch and E said, "you should go get acupuncture." I was doing it last fall, and I wasn't the biggest fan of my practitioner. So, I stopped. We had friends over yesterday, though, and one of them suggested a new office. I tried them out today. the CA was very knowledgeable about fertility (something my first needed to brush up on, at best.) The appt was about 2 hours long w/ the personal history yada yada... Then the needles. I rec'd needles for my kidneys, reproductive system and for anxiety. Ahhhhhhhhh (contented sigh.)

Just before I left, for a little extra ovulatory stimulation, the acupuncturist put two tiny magnets in my right ear. You have to get up close and personal to see them, but if you see me rubbing my ear, you know that I'm working on my fertility. Tonight, I'm as calm and focused as ever. Going back next week for sure! (After that, we will be pregnant - fingers crossed.)

Sad

I am saddened by news I recieved from my brother and sister-in-law today. Please keep them in your prayers.

Lookin' good

Things are shaping up this month... we are BOTH going to be able to be there next week - hopefully, for the last time. (Scheduling w/ the Dr.'s office worked out very well on this one.) We do, of course, have the HSG this week (a romantic V-day morning!). We will hopefully hear good news, clearing the way for next week.

We are very anxious - good anxious- this month. I think both of us feel like we are likely to get pregnant this month (moment of pessimism - hopefully.) We are just playing the stats game now. Wednesday's procedure will give us a lot to hope for if all's clear.... Last month was really hard b/c we weren't trying. In spite of that, baby-making is all we can really think about these days. As E says, idle anxiety is the worst (last month). This month, we are able to obsess over all sorts of little details to distract us - we feel like we have more control b/c we are doing something, I guess. I know I do anyways. So, on to baby-making Feb 2007. We need all of the good thoughts, love and prayers we can get. That's what you all can do for us. :-)

As luck would have it....

The predicted dates for the IUI will be Wednesday the 21nd and Thursday the 22rd. I have to leave for Chicago on Thursday afternoon. They were thinking a late afternoon Wed insemination and a late Thurs insemination. This means I may not be present for one of them..... :( I have a meeting at 4 in Chicago so have to leave no later than noon. We are just thinking that we will be successful with the first insemination and the one I might not be able to be there for is just insurance!!!

The timing of this stuff really stinks. It seems like we can't catch many breaks. S's cycle looks great for Jan with no med help and that is good news. What I want to know though is why oh why can't the timing just be one day earlier? I am not willing to skip this month and would rather have a BFP (Dad, that means a big f***ing positive pregnancy test) than be at the insemination. Afterall....it's already taking a village.

AF around the corner!

Looks like we are still on track for the next cycle so far. I hate to jinx it but S's BBT dropped today. We expect AF to show up any minute. This will be a no Clomid, no progesterone, no try cycle that looks good on paper! WOW, what a change from a year ago!

We will be arranging for a few tests in the coming week. One to see if S's fallopian tubes are clear and the other to check for polyps in her uterus (just to make sure they haven't come back). Let's hope the good news keeps rollin' in!

Fingers crossed for AF to come today. I have to go to Chicago in two weeks for my strategic planning with my board and we don't want insemination day to land on a day I am gone.....

TKO

The boxing class we were going to take was canceled without any notification to us. We trecked out in the fridgid cold and snow last night to only find out there weren't enough people signed up for the class so it canceled. Thanks for the info!We then made a few half-hearted attempts to exercise and ended up with E watching TV and S talking to an friend she hadn't talked to in ages. Not a horrible night but not exactly what we had been hoping to do.

Today is a busy one for me. I have work, dog agility, and then a conference call tonight for work. Yuck....poor me!

Snow Day

Just as it is in many parts of the country, Madison is COLD! Negative temperatures day after day... and I feel like walking the dog is more than I can handle! Gladys is dying for some exercise and more attention than I have energy for - damn snow.

Other than that, no big shakes in Mad-town. Tonight, E and I start our boxing class. We have to buy handwraps and everything! It'll be fun to learn something new.

Visitors

We had visitors this weekend! S's sister Betsy and our niece Leah were here for the weekend. It was quite a treat. Perhaps S will post pictures of the adorable girl and Leah too.

We did all kinds of things...

1. They visited me at work and took me to lunch on Friday.
2. Went to a fancy dinner (special restaurant weekend thing here in Madison)
3. Played with the walnuts
4. Went swimming at the YMCA
5. Made soup
6. Boogied (Leah especially)
7. Colored (E mainly picked up 96 cryons)
8. Went to the Children's Museum
9. Went shopping for a nap!
10. Drove around for a nap!
11. Went shopping (E and Leah)so Mom could nap
12. Watched the Super Bowl

We can't wait to see them again. Next time Leah will have a sister!

Heading in the right direction!

We didn't write about it before but it looks like S ovulated this month without CLOMID!!!! We were taking a break this month based on our trip to Boston timing, doctor appointments, and the need for mental clarity. We did keep track of the BBT and sure enough on the 19th day S's temp dipped. Then on the 20th day it spiked and has remained high since!!!! Come on Feb....be the lucky one! Fingers crossed!

G update

G came through cosmetic surgery just fine. She returned to agility class immediately! What a sport!