Friday, March 2, 2007

Finding the way….

It seems like so many things in life right now are about reevaluating and finding my way. I feel like a sperm trying to find the egg. I feel like a follicle trying to grow. I feel like a crazy woman trying to have babies. I feel like work is going to drive me over the edge.

To start, my work seems to be driving my life and not me driving my work. I am not the type of person that lives to work but the type the works to live the kind of life I want. I am motivated professionally to do well and to excel at what I do. I am nearly to my 3 year anniversary of completing my MSW and am running a nationwide non-profit foundation; pretty good if I do say so myself. This has made it so S could get her MBA and be picky about her job selection. We could buy a house, try for babies, make mortgage, shop, get a dog, travel, and do almost everything we would like due to my income and a few helpful boosts from others. But….it seems as if in the past two months I am feeling eaten by my job.

I have a very ambitious board that dreams much bigger than we are capable of accomplishing with the current program structure. They keep talking about being on Oprah, Ellen, and the View. However, when we were on Dr. Phil 2 years ago we saw the number of applicants to the program dramatically spike. I got over 400 e-mails in 24 hours from people asking about our primary program. Is that bad….well not for the domestic violence survivors we aim to treat but …..we have only had about a 1% increase in volunteers to complete treatment since then. I am running out of volunteers but the amount of survivors applying for care isn’t getting any smaller!!!

I suppose I should walk you all through what is the typical volunteer/board member for me. They own/run million dollar practices. They live in mansions, drive fancy cars, and believe that everything they touch turns to gold. They are the kings/queens of their personal world and treat most people they come in contact with like nimrods. Many actually volunteer for the right reasons but some do it for publicity. The balance is channeling their energy to helping the survivors no matter what their personal intentions are in volunteering. At the rate we are growing I’m going to certainly lose control, potentially at the expense of those we are trying to help. That frightens me.

Last night I admitted to S that some of my current anxiety about where the foundation is going is that I will not have the skills to keep up with the growth. I am worried I will not be able to support where the board is talking about taking us. OR…I will have to work many many more hours just to keep up. The rest of the fear is that going forward too fast will, no matter what my skill level is, will crumble base that we have worked so hard to form. Arrrrrgggghhhhhhh…..

I am worried that if I take this head on with all my might it will end up pulling me away from some of the things that mean the most to me. Time with S, baby making, fighting for social justice, family, Gladys, traveling, friends, sleep……….. S thinks it may be time for me to find a new job. I’m just not quite sure yet.

All of this I can’t figure out for myself, and I expect the egg and sperm to know what to do…I have soooo many more cells than they do…even brain cells….I think….


Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm stressed out just reading your post! I'm sorry things aren't going so well at work right now. It's not fun to feel like you're drowning with nothing to grab onto ... but no matter what you choose to do, you're one of the smartest and most determined women I know. You can do anything you put your mind to! I am so proud of you for all that you've accomplished ... and it's only the beginning!

Anonymous said...

oops, that was me. CAV

e, said...

wow that really sounds like a lot. i have a mantra when exploring new job options, 'interviews are just another way of gathering information.' You can search, and not have any commitment to the process, yet you may figure out something about yourself along the way.

That aside, i am truly sorry your work is stressing you out. i know all to well how much that impacts me, ttc, mine and A.'s relations, friendships...etc.

Anonymous said...

I hear you. I have faith in your abilities to find the way and the anwers to your searching. I know it may sound know how simple I am....take a breath, several, in fact. With the in-breath express all that you long for in life however impossible it may seem in practice. Let your out-breath express your active surrender of worries, doubts, regrets, tensions and clear your mind to listen to your heart. The heart will reveal your path. In your case, I know for a fact what an awesome, beautiful, smart, loving heart you have. Let it be heard. Dad