Rumbling

E has been shooting me up for an official week now. Of course, we didn't know what to expect, so it has been an interesting week: drugs, needles, strange evening phone calls from pharmacies in CA, lots of FedEx packages (to which we're not complete strangers), disappointments, and a bit of hope thrown in for good measure.

Not sure if I'm having any side effects - I do seem tired and my back has been a bit achy... but we've also been eating a bit less (portion control!) and it's suddenly rainy here - weather changes often make me tiredachy (and I'm only 30!!) The big side effect may be a rumbling in my ovaries, but sometimes I'm not sure that it's not just some GI issue....Other than that, the poking is going just fine. E's pretty good at it - she may have missed her calling as a phlebotomist or a shot-giver, or something. (Truly, she's gifted in just so many areas; it'd be hard to pick just one!)

We are looking forward to good news on Monday - I think we are both working to keep our hopes in check as one disappointment after another feels unbearable - we'd rather not fall so hard. Still, I think we have a glimmer, which also feels good for the time being.

Update CD11 U/S

Well, what to say? I wrote earlier today about three possibilities that could come from our u/s. The three options have, as this exact science seems to do, changed to four. Our follicle that was around 13mm on Tuesday is now probably around 9mm. WHAT?!?! They aren't supposed to shrink!!!!

Well, S’s E2 came back in the 160s, which is pretty good. They found another follicle in the left ovary that is growing (was about 6mm on Tues and is now 9mm). NP thinks this is what is putting off the E2 and so is upping our dose of FSH from 100 to 150. We are scheduled for an u/s on Monday at 8:30 am. S will have her E2 drawn again and then we sit in the tiny tiny room to wait for results.

Fingers crossed on this one. Hopefully over the weekend S will have some symptoms that ovulation is coming and Monday will show us a beautiful big follicle with lots of E2! Come on God, help us this one…

P.S.
S's SOs were hiding and so she had to have the u/s twice. What a saint!

P.P.S
Remember if you don't know what something stands for check out our handy dandy glossary on the bottom of the column on the right!

Ultrasound CD 11

Today we are going in for our CD 11 u/s at 1:30. We are hoping to see that follicle around 18 mm and S's Estradiol levels are above 200. If it is we will get a prescription for hCG. Then, we will set our alarms for the am (depending on the time of the inseminations) and I will give S the shot (I'm a pro now!) telling her "stubborn ovaries" (SO) to release the egg. If the follicle is not 18 mm we will go back tomorrow for an u/s to see if it is the right size. The worst thing that could happen is that the follicle is gone and we somehow missed ovulation or it wasn't a good follicle. I love this exact science bull.

S and I are both not really feeling like today will produce the results for which we are hoping. Perhaps it is the continued disappointment that has bred a completely jaded outlook on all appointments regarding fertility. S doesn’t seem to have any symptoms that ovulation is close and previous follicles and estradiol levels have taken a crap on us just as we started to get hopeful. Just not feeling it this time.

To boot, we are having one heck of a week. The beautiful weather we had last weekend has left us with cold rainy windy grey days. Our neighbor is re roofing their house and start working far to early which, makes Gladys bark (this better not be the case over the weekend). Work is about to give me a complete meltdown. S is frustrated with the business world. And, we are obsessively looking at moving home to be closer to our families. I will be applying to jobs this weekend in MI and S has hardly come up for air from her job searching.

IF ANYONE KNOWS OF ANY JOBS FOR AN MBA OR MSW IN MICHIGAN LET US KNOW!

I mean it we have no shame and will apply to everything! It is a pity that we thought we needed to stay here in Madison to protect our baby (if it ever comes). Now that WI has the same amendment as MI what is the difference. Besides, if we are closer to family when/if someone challenges one of us we have lots of people that will stick up for us near by. Not true here. We have just come to the conclusion that we may have to fight harder in MI to protect our family but we will have the refueling of family members close by to help us to keep moving forward. We just don’t have anything keeping us here in Madison anymore.

Anywho, I will post after the appointment and let ya’ll know what the follie is up to.

www.flickr.com

U/S numero uno

We had our first u/s today for this injectible cycle. The news is luke warm. There is a potential follie in there. It's 12mm right now. Luke warm b/c there is only one potential - our Dr. wanted to see at least 3. I have - and I'm sure this is a technical term - "stubborn ovaries" according to her. So, we have another u/s scheduled for Thursday afternoon to check in on them. Until then, E gets to keep having her evening fun w/ needles!

The Deeds Are Getting Done

I just wrote a really really long post about our entire weekend and the injections. It got lost in dark black hole that is the internet.

We had a great weekend. The injections are going well. No bruising. I am certainly not the best at sticking people with needles but it'll do.

If I ever feel the inspiration to attempt the old e-mail again I will certainly write it again. Now is definatley not the time.

Enjoy Spring....it is here.

Today is the dawning of a new protocol

Basically, E is going to stick me with a needle this evening. We've got some ovary juice sitting in the fridge waiting for E's handy dandy needle pen. When she gets home from work - sometime between 5 & 6, she's going to juice up the pen and stick me in my a**. She's more nervous than I!!!

Does anyone have any recommendations when using follistim? Thanks!

(In)Fertility Glossary

One of my dear friends back in MI has suggested a glossary for those of you not mired in fertility lingo every day of your lives - fair enough! I'm going to start it here, and we will add to it when we think of other things. Those of you who are familiar w/ the jive, feel free to comment and add more. (We don't know what lots of it means either!) Good idea, Kay!

• AF = Aunt Flo, which of course means getting your period.
• ART = Assisted Reproductive Therapy
• BFN = Big F***ing Negative
• BFP = Big F***ing Positive
• CD1 = Cycle Day 1
• Follicles = Eggs not yet released from ovary
• Follies = Lingo for 'follicles'
• FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone. This is the hormone responsible for growing the follicles during the follicular phase of a cycle.
• IF = Infertile or Infertility
• IVF = InvitroFertilization
• IUI = inter uterine insemination, a catheter is inserted through the cervix into the uterus to deposit sperm. Supposedly this increases chances of conception - because the sperm has a much shorter journey.
• Progesterone = hormone that spikes during luteal phase, or second half of a cycle (TWW). This hormone is responsible for all kinds of things, including sustaining an early pregnancy
• TTC = Trying to Conceive
• TWW = Two week wait, specifically the time between ovulation and waiting for the results.

Still in the Saddle

Both E and I felt that we would hear bad news today... we both, for some reason unbeknownst to us, felt like we would hear that we had to take the month off due to cyst or this or that or some other reason.

Thankfully, that was not the case. Usually, I'm the only pessimist in the house, but this time we were both wrong. The cyst is gone, and we have a few little residual or budding follies, just like we're supposed to on CD3.

We ordered our FSH injectibles and they are arriving tomorrow, in time for our Friday begin day. No pics of my belly once we start the pokes: I'm not that kind of gal. I am not as nervous about the needle as I am about the bruising - it's worth it, though! Gone are the days of daydreaming of an easy ttc at home within a few months. BRING ON THE DRUGS!!! or, more precisely: BRING ON THE BABY!!!!!

Back in the saddle

Things are moving along again... It's CD 2 and we have our ultrasound tomorrow to check on how everything is progressing. We hope to see that the cyst has receded, and that I am ready to start the FSH injectibles. No reason to think that won't be the case, but, then again, life has been full of surprises!

We had a wonderful time in MI - probably the best time we've had there in quite some time. We even spent an extra day w/ E's family as we couldn't bear to leave. It's so nice to be around the people that know and love us best.

I feel refreshed and ready to start again - hopefully for the last time.

Mac-N-Cheese-N-Beer

I'm heading to Grand Rapids today! I'm really excited to go see S. As I mentioned in an earlier blog single life is just not for me. Schedules are a wonderful thing. Although not waking early just to take a temperature sounds good it is really a tiny trade off in the scheme of things. (I will say a few days away from S while she is on progesterone are certainly a safe way to go!) S is the one that gets me to go to bed earlier than I would on my own, eat healthy foods, and genuinely puts the life in my living.

Here is a typical day without S for me:

Wake up.
Take care of the dog.
Go to work.
Eat unhealthy lunch after walking the dog.
Go back to work.
Play with the dog.
Clean up the house a bit.
Make Mac-N-Cheese
Drink beer
Watch TV
Go to bed too late.
Start all over.

Granted, the things I normally contribute to our schedule and peace are often amiss for S when I’m gone. She is not a big fan of sleeping without me and has trouble getting to sleep. Although, she is the one to get us to bed at a decent time when we are together she often goes to sleep much later than normal when we are apart. I guess we are just better off together.

I’m excited to meet Rachel and see Leah, Betsy, and Paul. I believe I will also get a chance to see the rest of S’s family while we are there. On Sunday we will head over to see my dad, brother, sister-in-law, and niece Maureen. Maureen and her parents just got back from Disney World so I’m sure she will have tons to tell me about meeting all the princesses, Mickey, Tiger, and the Dis crew!

Hopefully the snow that is falling continues to only be scarce flurries and G and I make good time through Chicago!

Happy St. Pat’s!

Hormone Crazy

So... since I never ovulated last month, I have to be on a progesterone regimen to induce AF. This is my third time on this stuff... and it makes me CRAZY!!!! In light of how crazy I can get, my Dr. prescribed a different kind this time around... and I'm sure that's why E and I haven't had any blow out fights - but still... It's like I have had PMS for 5 days, and I still have 4 more pills to take!

• Soreness
• Anxiety, aggitation, irritation, or nervousness - one of these at any given time
• Cravings galore: salt/sweeet/sale/sweet/salt/sweet

I pity anyone that has to spend any significant time with me. At least I don't have any waterworks - I guess it could be worse....

Single Life Sucks

S left yesterday to go to GR to help out B and P with the newborn and other daughter who is almost 2. I am left here in Madison with the dog. Admittadly, I was looking forward to having some time home alone. I think I have only ever been in the house alone for a day or two in about 15 months. Well, one day later and I'm ready for life to get back to normal. I was looking forward to doing a huge list of tasks while S was gone. After a half day of running around like a crazy woman and I ready for my support to get back.

I miss you baby! I'm looking forward to seeing you and the fam in a couple of days.

Rachel is Here!

Above: Rachel Nicole
Below: Betsy, Paul with daughters Leah & Rachel

My sister had her baby yesterday. We are now proud aunts to two nieces on my side and one on E's. I have the honor of taking care of Leah (Rachel's older sister!) this week in MI; I leave tomorrow. E is joining us this weekend to meet Rachel and get some quality time in with Leah too!

Spring is in the air

The weather is warming up over here, so this weekend brings with it many possibilities. My sister has yet to have that second baby, so it looks like we will not have to travel to MI until next week, leaving the entire warm-weather-predicted weekend to use as we please!

Tonight, we'll be watching the MSU v. Wisconsin game. E is going to root for MSU, of course. I'm always up in the air about these things - of course, let's be honest: I couldn't care less. Other than that, we're thinking taking the dog on a nice hike at a near-by state park followed by a weekend of spring cleaning... we're going to use craigslist and freecycle quite a bit, I suspect!

Moving On

We're picking up and moving forward. Steps to recovery after missing a month of even being able to try:

1. Realize that you are angry, Angry, ANGRY - ... maybe with yourself, maybe with someone you see across the street, maybe with karma, maybe with no one or anything other than infertility.
2. Decide to take (at least) an evening to mourn
3. Go to happy hour at a restaurant and eat appetizers (1/2 off) for dinner
4. Drink 4 glasses of wine (each) at said happy hour
5. Come home and drink another glass, or so, of vino while playing Trivial Pursuit
6. Start progesterone regimen the next morning (Come on AF!!)
7. Go to gym
8. Eat like rabbits (I've gained 4 pounds!! in the last two months)
9. Try to not resent life in general
10. Thank God E and I have eachother,
11. Hope that next month is different.

We still have a lot to consider. We're not sure how to move forward. Probably the next step is injectibles.... hopefully whatever we choose, this is the last time we have to make any of these blasted decisions. In the meantime, we are going to continue doing whatever it is that we do while in ttc.

BIG CYST

Looks like it is definately a cyst. Bloodwork today came back with Estradiol at 73 again. Another big fat let down.

What is what

What is NOT holding us up on the baby deal:
*Thyroid
*Progesterone
*Fallopian tubes
*FSH


What MIGHT be holding us up:
*Timing
*Egg quality
*Medications
*Lack of medications
*George Bush
*Type of medication
*Luteal phase
*Egg meets sperm moment
*Implantation
*Luck
*The heavens
*Estradiol levels
*Jerry Falwell
*Follicle size
*Cysts
*Polyps
*The cosmos

What IS holding us up:
*???????????????????

Can anyone tell me what IS holding us up? I'm really getting sick of this. When will the NOT column out number the MIGHT column and there no longer be a IS column.

In addition, does anyone know what the Estradiol level requirements are per follicle? We thought it was 150 but S had an ultrasound on CD26 (yesterday) and they found a 20mm follicle but wouldn't do the hCG because Estradiol was only 170. NP says it is probably a cyst.

Normal

Not all of my blood test results are in yet, but so far everything is normal, normal and normal. Normal thyroid, normal progesterone, normal FSH (follicle stimulating hormone), and everything else (b/c I feel like I'm forgetting something) she told me is normal.

Hopefully the rest of the news - probably tomorrow - will also be normal.

Finding the way….

It seems like so many things in life right now are about reevaluating and finding my way. I feel like a sperm trying to find the egg. I feel like a follicle trying to grow. I feel like a crazy woman trying to have babies. I feel like work is going to drive me over the edge.

To start, my work seems to be driving my life and not me driving my work. I am not the type of person that lives to work but the type the works to live the kind of life I want. I am motivated professionally to do well and to excel at what I do. I am nearly to my 3 year anniversary of completing my MSW and am running a nationwide non-profit foundation; pretty good if I do say so myself. This has made it so S could get her MBA and be picky about her job selection. We could buy a house, try for babies, make mortgage, shop, get a dog, travel, and do almost everything we would like due to my income and a few helpful boosts from others. But….it seems as if in the past two months I am feeling eaten by my job.

I have a very ambitious board that dreams much bigger than we are capable of accomplishing with the current program structure. They keep talking about being on Oprah, Ellen, and the View. However, when we were on Dr. Phil 2 years ago we saw the number of applicants to the program dramatically spike. I got over 400 e-mails in 24 hours from people asking about our primary program. Is that bad….well not for the domestic violence survivors we aim to treat but …..we have only had about a 1% increase in volunteers to complete treatment since then. I am running out of volunteers but the amount of survivors applying for care isn’t getting any smaller!!!

I suppose I should walk you all through what is the typical volunteer/board member for me. They own/run million dollar practices. They live in mansions, drive fancy cars, and believe that everything they touch turns to gold. They are the kings/queens of their personal world and treat most people they come in contact with like nimrods. Many actually volunteer for the right reasons but some do it for publicity. The balance is channeling their energy to helping the survivors no matter what their personal intentions are in volunteering. At the rate we are growing I’m going to certainly lose control, potentially at the expense of those we are trying to help. That frightens me.

Last night I admitted to S that some of my current anxiety about where the foundation is going is that I will not have the skills to keep up with the growth. I am worried I will not be able to support where the board is talking about taking us. OR…I will have to work many many more hours just to keep up. The rest of the fear is that going forward too fast will, no matter what my skill level is, will crumble base that we have worked so hard to form. Arrrrrgggghhhhhhh…..

I am worried that if I take this head on with all my might it will end up pulling me away from some of the things that mean the most to me. Time with S, baby making, fighting for social justice, family, Gladys, traveling, friends, sleep……….. S thinks it may be time for me to find a new job. I’m just not quite sure yet.

All of this I can’t figure out for myself, and I expect the egg and sperm to know what to do…I have soooo many more cells than they do…even brain cells….I think….