Juggling Gladys

Well yesterday proved to be a nice challenge in the life of juggling the needs of a dependant! I was returning to work after a week out of the office at the point in which I turn towards the busy season. I got a call from a...well let me just say... somewhat frantic S. She had taken Gladys our 15-month-old English Springer Spaniel
to the vet to have a wart on her lip inspected and hopefully removed. The wart isn't painful for her just us do to the looks of it and the fact that it gets bloody when she plays ball! Anywho, the G needs to be knocked out for the procedure because this type of growth is often deep into the tissue as well and so she was scheduled for removal today! While at the vet S went ahead and got G her vaccinations. They gave her four at once and she immediately became lethargic and her gums whitened. G's blood pressure dropped extremely low and she had to be put on IV fluids. They also gave her an antihistamine shot because they could not tell if it was an allergic reaction or just overload.

G was stabilized and doing better, this is when S called me at work. She hardly got 3 sentences out and she was crying so hard (those that know S are not too shocked) the vet took the phone. The vet explained the situation to me and I knew S was calling me to find out if I could bring the dog to work because she had to go to a meeting. G needed to be watched closely for the rest of the day.

I met S at home for lunch, picked up G, and brought her to work while I tried vigorously to catch up from the week out of the office. I guess I'm telling this story as it is a lesson for us to remember when we have kids that even when we are busy we might have to drop everything we are doing because they need us. Thank you G for our wonderful lesson and throwing our entire day yesterday into a complete spin!

G is doing fine today. It turns out the reaction was an allergy as she had some swelling later in the day. Benadryl helped and now she is getting cosmetic surgery to remove her wart!

Getting things done (slowly)

While Erin is still in Boston, I have been working on my to do list:

1. Organize papers so that I can do taxes in a couple of weeks
2. Create and order a photo album for "2006 according to Erin & Sara"
3. Sign up for pilates
4. Clean house
5. Do Laundry
6. Grocery Shop
7. Clean out pantry and refrigerator (find whatever "it" is....)
8. Refill my spices
9. Find recipes for sister and niece visit next weekend

That's just the first part of my list. Guess how much I've accomplished: nada. I have started several of these list items, but have yet to check any one of them off of the list. Here, I thought I had three days without E, and I would be able to get so much done...

One of my excuses: well, I can't sign up for pilates b/c the classes have all started for this round and prorating at the YMCA doesn't begin until Tuesday (IFF there are still spots available.) I did manage to pick up everything that the dog chewed while she was protesting my momentary refusal to take her on a walk yesterday morning, but I've yet to actually clean the house. I am also - to my credit- mired in digital photos both on my computer and on the website. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I always think things take much less time than they do. Short list of what I've done since I returned on Thursday afternoon:

1. walked the dog 4 times (plus the dog park and a trip to the pet store for cat litter)
2. stopped at the deli to get something to eat for yesterday and today (who cooks for one person?)
3. re-started my photo project
4. talked to two of my three sisters 3-4 times (each).
5. watched HGTV while catching up on email, updating myspace, and petting my cats
6. talked to C in SF a few times

yeah, that's not very much for 2.5 days.... ahhh well. At least on the baby front, all is relatively well. We will probably try in just about a month from now. Before then, there will be a few tests, but we're actually expecting good reports out of them. We're hoping that we're just waiting for the statistics to kick in. (After all, 57% of couples achieve pregnancy within the first three months....)

Ahhhh Boston

This pic doesn't represent a metaphor of my life. We actually walked past this scene in downtown Boston on Saturday night. We were walking with our ME friends when we stopped to watch this spectacle in the street. We have yet to figure out what had happened/was going on etc...

Boston was extremely refreshing. We walked the entire city a few times over; we ate well in Little Italy - including a stop at Mike's Pastries on Hanover. Admittedly, I'm also looking forward to eating healthy for a bit...

Being in Boston, I imagined the patriots from the Revolutionary Era. Labeled traitors for speaking their minds, they continued to believe in and fight for the liberty we still enjoy today. Over the course of the past 6 or so years, so many of us have been labeled as unpatriotic for disagreeing with our unintelligent idealogue of a president and his cabinet of cronies. I found it absolutely rejuvenating to visit Boston, where the unpatriotic were (and still are today) the most patriotic in our history.

Stinko

S is leaving tomorrow morning and I start working! We had a good time over the last few days. Visited our family friend, a friend and her baby from B-school, and now back in Boston. Not looking forward to standing for 8 hours on concrete or being without S for a few days but it is how we get these trips!

S's BBT doesn't seem to be cooporatinging perfectly yet this month but we are being patient. No money riding on this one!

Later!

We Love Boston!

The city is cold, but we're having a great time! We had a great time yesterday w/ our friends who came down from ME. We are seeing the Blue Man Group tonight (1/2 price tix!) Tomorrow we had to Hartford. Fun. Fun!!

Go East

We leave for Boston today, and I'm running around getting us ready. Not being employed in a traditional full-time position sure has its benefits when it comes to this kind of thing (as well as making babies.) We leave today at 2, so I have until then to walk the dog, take her to "camp, get my haircut, pack, and pick up the house enough so that our friend I isn't astounded when she checks in on the kitties. (Thanks again, by the way!)

In addition to our previously arranged engagements, we will now be seeing some friends from business school for lunch as well. We have more friends on the East Coast than we do in Madison!! We know it will be cold, but we're keeping our fingers crossed for lots of walkable weather so that we can see and do lots of stuff.

I plan to get on once or twice this week to update, but there will be no baby news for a couple of weeks until I have another procedure done to make sure things are working well - after that, we plan on trying again in Feb.

Jetting Off

We head out today to Boston. Life is such a whirlwind sometimes. Just yesterday we were sitting in sterile green room waiting for information on new ways to get pregnant and tonight we will be checking out one of the most historical cities in our country. What a journey.

I am totally overwhelmed with things to do at work but the vacation will be a well timed one. We will have some time just to ourselves to figure out our course of action. As of now we have set a tentative deadline for reconsidering out approach to getting pregnant, June. If we haven't been successful with our NP by then we will most likely move on to IVF. We think 1-2 more tries with Clomid and HCG and then if that doesn't work 2-3 cycles with Injectables.

Whatever the process is we are excited that S is ovulating and the cycles are beginning to line up.

Clinic Update

Well, we've decided to stick with our NP for a while. Admittedly, we weren't the biggest fans of the doc today. The remedial fertility ed. course was insulting, and we weren't prepared for being in a institutional cave w/ poor seating and 16 attendants for three hours. (Note to self: bring bottled water and lunch next time.)

Anyways, we didn't learn much that we don't know, and although he recommended "treatment" with him, he recommended the same treatment as our NP. Since we like her (and she has a much better bedside manner), we'll stick with her. Plus, insurance covers more of that.

So, that's the haps. We're off to find some dinner.

The Clinic

We decided to keep our appointment this afternoon with the clinic. Costly yes, but nothing about making baby has been easy or inexpensive yet. So, we figured we might as well get another perspective. Knowing our options may help guide us as we continue. Of course, we are hoping that no decisions will have to be made after our next try....

We have decided that we will be going back to IUI next time. We're skipping January, which may be a nice change for my body - a rest from all the drugs etc... We're hoping to be ready to try again in Feb. Life is lived in 2 week intervals, so no plans beyond that.

We are really looking forward to our trip to Boston. We leave tomorrow afternoon. We're going to have the chance to meet up with some old friends from college that will come down from Maine as well as some friends in Hartford. I think this trip is just what we need right now: a distraction as well as a bit of time to think, regroup and just have a good time! If anyone has any good suggestions of what to see/do, where to eat etc... leave a comment!

I will update more after our appointment this afternoon....

Small Victories! (or I OVULATED!!!)

My body is finally working!!!

It is amazing what we can convince ourselves of when left to our own depressing thoughts. After this month's disappointing outcome - compounded by our inconveniently placed trip to Boston - we were sure that our last hope was to visit with the IVF folks. We were living in the doldrums of NoBabyEver-ville.

It turns out that the three months prior to this last try were likely a waste of money. While that may seem like bad news to many of you, those that have had some fertility issues know that isn't necessarily the case. See, I did actually ovulate this past cycle. Even though we're not pregnant - and even though it's severely disappointing - we are making some significant progress. NP says that based on this past month's evidence (BBT, CM, AF arrival date and so on), we ovulated. That also indicates that we weren't doing so before. Progress is something very significant here: I OVULATED!!!!

Next... we just need a baby!!

We're not sure yet if we're going to keep our appt at the clinic for tomorrow afternoon. It's expensive, and we're walking on sunshine with today's news....

My Hero

I can't wait for our baby (whenever it decides to come around) to have the chance to meet and get to know my hero, my dad. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and I've had the opportunity to learn and grow under his guidance. He is strong, smart, caring, dedicated, giving, and so many other things. Here is to my hero and the person that is bound to be my child's hero as well!

I love you Dad! Thank you for everything you are!

It's hard, hard, hard

E's dad left this morning. What a great visit it was. We laughed and talked and hung out. We drank wine, ate out, and played darts in the basement. It was the perfect weekend.

Perfect weekends always end in disappointment because they have to come to an end. We live 6 hours from our families, and we are going through a ton of shit right now. It's hard to be so far away.... our support systems seem so small- and then they have to drive away.

Whenever I return from MI, or some of my family comes to Madison, I mourn for days afterward. I mourn that I cannot drop by for tea at Sister B's or that Sister K can't run errands with me. I feel sad and lonelier than I did before we even spent time together.

I suspect this is how E is feeling... We've got so much crap going on, and everything is so out of our control. We are both feeling like no one really cares enough - then again, I don't know that we're just not projecting our feelings of being out of control and extreme frustration on to the people that do love us and support us.

I think that we are going to have to move back to MI when the opportunity arises.... unless life gives us lemonade from here on out and we never have to go through something crappy again. This is hard, hard, hard. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done, and it's certainly the hardest thing that E and I have had to deal with in our relationship. We are doing it together, and I know we're strong; we just don't always feel that way. We have so much love... I just wish that our love translated into a baby.

Can you be too "strong"?

So, I just got off the phone with S and I'm trying to put together our converstaion. I was telling her about how having my dad here made me sentimental for connections to people. I was complaining about how I felt like he is the only one outside of S that is concerned about how I am feeling. I know I have support out there but, as S pointed out on the phone just now, I tend to try to be too “strong” too often and don't reach out for the support. I tend to focus on how S is feeling and so redirect others to be concerned about her feelings verses telling them about how I am doing. I guess it is not that I am too "strong" but that I try too hard to look “strong”.

This entire fertility issue is hard. It is not only hard on the one trying to get pregnant but hard on the (significant) other. OUr job is to be supportive, understanding and caring about all the poking, prodding, and our partner's frustration with their own body. However, I often feel as if I do not have much of a role so am not necessarily supposed to have my own emotions over all of this. But I do. Everyone asks how S is doing. The doctors only talk to her, the nurses ask her for information, and family and friends associate the complicantions with things happening to S not me. I know that it is not my reproductive parts that aren't working but I have just as much energy, love, and emotion involved in each try. This "other" position is really one that has no definition for me let alone those trying to support us. I grieve every cycle. I get my hopes up every cycle. And, I cry every cycle.

S tells me I need to be better at telling others that I feel things. Well, I spend 90% of my life worrying about how others feel (work and home) and try to fit in a bit of worrying about what I feel the rest of the time. This doesn't leave much energy or time to tell people about what I discover. It is lonely being "strong".

Winter in the Village

well, winter finally got here. The snow has been coming down steadily since last night. It's almost a relief... we were prepared for a snowy winter, but the temps were warm and spring-like until this week. Since we won't be trying for baby until Feb or March, it will be nice to look forward to a rejuvenating spring.

E's dad is still here. He had planned to leave, but the weather has given us another day to visit. He's walking our dog right now; she definitely loves him more than us, and he has given her every reason (several walks a day) to do so. big plans this evening include watching the Golden Globes, eating something i drum up from the kitchen, and maybe playing a bit of darts.

Our np appt is on Wednesday and we are still looking forward to that. the IVF clinic is at 2:30 on Thursday, and I'm pretty anxious for that appt. I'm not sure what I think we are going to get out of these meetings, but since it's time to regroup, I'm anticipating what our team of experts will recommend to us. I guess we just have to keep our fingers crossed that everyone feels pretty positive about our chances....

Roots

There just doesn't seem to be anything more comforting to me than thinking about spending time with S and my dad. He is due to arrive, here in gloomy looking Madison, in a few hours. I can't wait. He always brings warmth, happiness, and love with him.

A lot of people tell me about how their mothers bring this intrinsic peace to their lives and how moms mean home. Well mine comes with my dad. He is the rock that I bounce my feelings, sorrows, and joys off. I'm really looking forward to seeing him.

As for S and I, we have had many downs this week and are on the rise to more ups. Monday's disappointments, we are trying to accept and move on. We have appointments with our NP on Wednesday and one with the IVF clinic on Thrusday. We have already started the discussion about how many embryos to transfer. Yikes!!!! Watch out quadruplets!

Thursday

Getting ready for the weekend. E's dad will be here, and we're looking forward to Michael Feldman, maybe some hockey, good conversation and probably a bit of wine. We are going to enjoy ourselves and then tend to more baby business next week at our Wednesday and Thursday appointments.

Update - Boston

Well, the trip to Boston is on. We can't do a round of Clomid this month b/c we have to see the np before going on ahead. She's out of the office until next week, so we will miss the window. So, now next week, we are meeting w/ the np and then we are going to the official infertility clinic to have our first IVF consultation. we are flying out to Boston the next day, so we will have lots of time to think, talk, think, talk, etc.... Good thing I love seafood.

To skip or not to skip

Last month my cycle lasted 45 days. We had been banking on 28-30 days cycles when we planned our trip to Boston in 2 weeks. An extra 15 days is a big difference when you are trying to get pregnant. So, we realized last night that if we go to Boston, we have to skip this month unless we want to attempt to lug 2 vials of ICI across the country risking damage in flight or damage by baggage handler.

E wants to go to Boston and either take the month off or drag ICI with us. I want to stay here and stay on schedule. Of course, when we find out we're not pregnant next month and I made us cancel our trip, I will feel terrible that we never get to have any fun b/c I am so desperate to have a baby. I will attempt to spare you all a tirade about how unfair life is, but let's just say that between the anger, frustration and deep-seeded sadness - I've kind of had it with life for a little while.

E is right, there is no right or wrong decision. Although, I kind of know she's right: that we should take the trip and try to have a good time... spend a month getting our heads on straight, eating extra healthy to grow some good eggs etc.... What if my cycle gets all screwed up again when I skip the clomid for the month? What if we miss the one month that we could have gotten pregnant? What if we never get to be parents? I am so tired of all of this.

Do-Over

We knew it was coming. Yesterday, we saw the BBT starting it's drop. We paged through scores of journal pages looking for some evidence that the inevitable was not going to happen. Yet, every month, just before AF arrived, my temp dropped to the exact same level the day before AF. Today, we proved that the consistency we strive for still is not exactly what we want.

I suppose it softened today's blow: the BBT bottomed out this a.m. and a few hours later.... confirmation that we were not successful yet again. It is sunny and beautiful here. The weather is unseasonably warm, and I should have enjoyed my morning walk with the dog. Still, the air is heavy, and my head is pounding; it might as well be a gloomy doomy day. I feel a thousand years old and then some. Today just sucks.

The plan is to call the np's office tomorrow and get confirmation that we can go another round of Clomid, plan it out, set up the next u/s etc... Then, call the fertility clinic and set an appointment for an IVF consultation for just about right after we would know next month didn't work. Of course, we're still going to keep our fingers crossed that we will be able to cancel. I won't be a mom when I'm 30, but by 31 something has to have changed!

Thank goodness we have one another. I am just so grateful that E and I are working together on this. She is an amazing woman. We have an amazing partnership, and our baby - for whom we will be eternally grateful - will have two loving parents whenever s/he finally arrives. Just hurry this up already!

No go

AF is coming, the BBT dropped, we are disappointed. Time to gear up for the next round.

Dreaming

So last night I slept like a rock. S and I just vegged out in bed watching t.v. and getting the plans together for our upcoming trip to the Boston area. I fell asleep around 11 (early for me) and didn't wake until the 6 am BBT check alarm went off. It was great! Not only was the sleeping great but the dreaming was awesome!

I dreamt that we were not only pregnant but it was about 9 months from now and our TWINS were being born. The labor wasn't too bad for S. The only issue was the boy (yes we had a boy and a girl) was slightly underweight and smaller. Everyone was healthy though. The feeling I had was so real I can't imagine I could be any prouder than I was in my dream on the real day our child arrives. Come on babies get here!

Waiting Game

Well we are in the throws of the waiting game. The holidays have helped move the time a bit faster but we are just sitting and waiting at this point.

Our friends, C&C, were in from San Fran for New Years and that always makes our lives feel full. C&C are some of the best friends we could ever ask for. We spent the weekend basically in our house eating, drinking (some more than others as S was caring for what is hopefully a blastocyst), and talking. It doesn't take much to spend three days with them.

S has been experiencing some symptoms that are either a sign of AF coming, the onset of an illness, or pregnancy. The main one being sore boobs. Guess we'll just have to wait.