Monday, April 14, 2008

LAIOKI

We had an appointment this morning. Heartbeat is 136, my blood pressure is good... yada... yada...

I have noticed a huge spike in my anxiety over the last week. My thoughts include:

  • I am worried the baby is getting smaller b/c I don't feel like I look any bigger (lost another pound this week.)

  • I have frequent flashes of worry throughout the day that something is wrong with him. My anxiety is calmed once I feel him move, which usually takes only a moment or two, certainly never than a minute or two... and that will keep me going for a while until 3o minutes later when I begin to worry again...

Today's midwife assured me that I'm measuring fine (35 weeks, which doesn't help my worries about him shrinking, but she says that as he settles into the pelvis, we might not see much more growth from our end...). She also suggested that I'm more anxiety-ridden of late because he's becoming more real. How'd she get into my head??! :-)

I think she's right... I'm not willing to dismiss my worries as ridiculous - as E says, we can indulge them each and every time - however, my other increasingly obsessive thoughts are those of Life As I Once Knew It (LAIOKI.) I'm constantly daydreaming about going back to LAIOKI. From daily types of activities to less frequent things. The other day, I actually thought about laying on my stomach, as in, at that moment I nearly laid down on the bed face down... I think I'm just beginning to feel the end. Obviously, life will never be as I/we once knew it. It's too late for that. This is what we wanted. This is what we've been working towards for three years, but I am having a hard time digesting the fact that we're here. We're almost there. We're having a baby and we're going to be parents. I can't believe it, and although I'm excited, I have no idea how to handle it.

8 comments:

ohchicken said...

same boat, a few weeks behind you. may i sail with you?

*G* said...

Hooray for good appointments!

I think in some ways, our unexpected labor gave us less time to become anxious about what would be happening next - because even though we were induced, we knew everything was still fine with the bean.

Yes, it will likely be more difficult to fit in all the things you do in a normal day now, after the baby is here - at least for a little while. But then somewhere along the way, things just kind of develop a new kind of rhythm - one that includes your little guy that you worked so hard for to expand your family to three. And there are so many new and exciting things that are added to that new rhythm of daily life as the little one continues to learn and grow. It's just so much fun (and hard work, too!), and with so much love for the little guy and each other, you two will be great parents.

sandra said...

You (both) are going to rock!

tbean said...

Can't speak from personal experience, but it sounds like your thoughts and feelngs are 100% normal for the last few weeks of pregnancy. I mean, holy cow, what a HUGE transition. And who doesn't look upon massive change without at least a little trepidation? But I'm guessing Life As It Will Soon Be is going to be even more wonderful than LAIOKI.
hugs

kwillmetta said...

My prediction is you will handle everything with grace, humor, and (at least) a five-point plan... Maybe even a spreadsheet or graph thrown in for good measure. :)

Poltzie said...

Sara,
I feel the exact same way. I feel like pasting your post into my blog it's that similar! I guess it's normal then to feel this way!?!

ajs4ever said...

TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!! I am so right there with you! I think it really is just the fear of the unknown. Since we do not know what this new life is going to be like and what new experiences we are going to have. I think it is normal- at least I am feeling it to so let's just say it is normal- hehe:)

Anonymous said...

Print all of the comments to your LAIOKI post, keep them close to your heart, and read them on the hour. What wonderfully supportive, reassuring, loving, intelligent Blog-mates!
I admire your honest reporting of your concerns. Your reaching out for understanding and comfort is rewarded with balance and insight that not only comes from within yourselves, but also from your Blog-mates and people who love you.
When Erin was hatching the very same concerns you expressed surfaced with us and then disappeared in a blaze of joy when she arrived. That joy continues to this very day!(Well, the joy slightly diminished when one day Erin was placed in Time-Out and she and the dog jumped out of her bedroom window andran away from home living briefly on the street under the mailbox. She was three years old.)
Please know that both of you are loved, supported and cherished. And, when Tot arrives he always has a place under my mailbox. Love. Dad