Wednesday, January 23, 2008

25 weeks

I'm having one of those days where I have 1400 emotions at once. I've started to write this post 6 times in the last 3 minutes, each one in an entirely different mood.

Anxiety: Work is not going well, and it's not getting better yet. I'm waking up in the middle of the night over it, brimming with tears at a moment's notice while sitting quietly in yoga class etc... There is a lot of change, a lack of direction... but most of all, I'm not feeling like I'm in control of my own destiny. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that I must, above all, feel like I'm in the driver's seat (even if it is a farce.) I'm wrangling with how to feel like I'm master of my own universe again, and so far I've had no luck due to continuing and new events cropping up and pulling the rug out from under me. My newest tactic will have to be figuring out how to let go - as if I've EVER been able to do that before in my life. (Control-freak much?)

Productive Contentment: Contrary to my feelings above, I actually have felt quite productive in the last two days. E and I (finally) re-joined the YMCA and went swimming on Monday night - water aerobics, actually. It was fantastic! No danger of falling on ice or having G pull me down in her excitement to get to the park and play Frisbee. Nope, just lots of buoyancy so that I could get my heart rate up and feel really good after an hour. I also went to yoga last night. I'm a slightly bigger fan of swimming, but yoga-take-2 was much better than my first attempt. I only had a bit of reflux and my cold has waned so I could breathe. I feel like I can get quite a bit out of that class, and that feels good. Two nights in a row of something like getting back into shape... or is it getting in shape for labor and delivery... or perhaps it's just something to take the edge off of aforementioned anxiety.

Tired of hearing myself complain: See above.

Enjoying the changes over this last week: Tot is still kicking mightily. Now, he's kicking hard enough that I was able to actually see a kick! He has also taken to doing some major cartwheels in there. I think we may have a future gymnast on our hands! I am having some minor back pain now, and my headaches are quite constant (could be due to various factors, so I shouldn't blame it on him!) Luckily, E is the best; she is happy to rub my temples or my back/neck etc... and help ease the ache until the Ty.lenol kicks in. E and I have discovered that I no longer have an aversion to spinach, so we had a touch of summer last night w/ a delicious spinach salad (spinach, blue cheese, walnuts, strawberries and homemade lemon-thyme dressing.) Delicious!

So, that's just a sampling of how I'm doing in any one moment. Give props to my E, who swears she's not even sick of me yet. She's a rock star, and then some.


Anonymous said...

1400 emotions may be a record! My suggestion for finding balance is yoga, swimming, Y-center sweating, spinach salad....wait a minute, that's what you are doing! My only other recommendation is light the fireplace, curl up on the couch, read a naughty book and eat fudge. Works every time. I do hope that work turns around...FAST!
Thinking of you both. Good luck and much love. Dad

mrsbluemont said...

Props to E! But I think that your emotional pulls right now are quite normal and I'm sure you're still lovely to be around. Glad you loved swimming! That spinach salad is making me hungry. Hope everything settles down and you get set in the driver's seat again.

Ali said...

I love this post. The many aspects of a single moment. I know what you mean about the driver's seat. I struggle with that at work all the time.
I have been thinking about starting yoga, I need something new to do.

Spinach salad sounds yummy.. would love the lemon-thyme recipe.

Sara said...

Lemon-thyme dressing:

Lemon thyme (We grow it in a pot)
Olive oil
white wine vinegar
packet of sugar or artificial sweetener
blend all ingredients together

If you can't find lemon thyme, lemon rind and thyme work too. We use a ratio of about 3 oil: 1 vinegar. Use as much or as little of each as tastes good to you!

sandra said...

Maybe it's less about letting go of control (says another control freak) and more about deciding your version of control will involve kicking the most ass possible within your ever-changing circumstances?

SaraS-P said...

Arg! Stress and pregnancy! I want to believe the world just stops and waits while you enjoy the amazing process! Good luck finding balance.

E sounds like a fly rock star.

bleu said...

It is also very usual to feel those feelings of lack of control while pregnant. Your body is literally taken over. So that combined with even mild work issues could easily make it seem monumental.
Just a thought.

So excited at how active lil one is.

Holly said...

Wow - lots of emotions! Sorry you are not in control of your work destiny right now. Hopefully it's temporary, but I hope you are able to find something that helps the anxiety.

BTW - I am totally trying that recipe!