Friday, October 12, 2007

Am I gonna what?!?!?!

So, here is the deal that S said I would post about. I thought what better time than after reading jay's post about "other mother" stuff (really would like a different term for that but don't like non-bio much either).

So the MW looks up at me, from whatever note she is writing from her last question, and says, "So, are you planning to breastfeed?" I thought she forgot who was pregnant. I think my intelligent answer was, "huh" while I proceeded to turn bright red. Now, S had mentioned something like that at one point but she is always reading weird things. I just never know what to really pay attention to, sounds mean but if you got as many New York T*mes articles sent to you (some of you know exactly what I'm talking about) from her you would become selective too. Anyway, I thought it would have to be really involved and so I blew it off as just another hair-brained thing some people out there are doing. That is until the granola naturalist MW mentioned it.

She told us another couple using the MBC was doing it and that it really only involves some birth control like pills and breast pumps. I would apparently have to start the process sooner verses later. S is leaving the decision up to me and it seems like a really easy one to make...but nothing is easy in baby making. Here is the deal.

1. After a two-year discussion leading to S being the sole person in our duo to carry our children I have completely removed myself from any thoughts about carrying and breastfeeding a baby. I have successfully done so to the point that I am now having a really hard time envisioning myself breastfeeding. I think I have detached from the idea that my breasts would ever be used in that manner. Does that make sense? I think I can re-attached myself to the thoughts but that leads me to #2.

2. What if (a) it doesn’t work and I have re-attached to thinking I am going to experience that amazing bond and I can’t? What if (b) the baby latches to me better than S? Does that cause a weird dynamic?

3. Breastfeeding for two-years of your life (timeframe is according to the MW) reduces your risk of breast cancer. My mother died of breast cancer when I was 14 and my aunt is a survivor going on nearly 10 years. I defiantly am high-risk. I could use some factors that reduce the risk, that is for sure!

4. Wouldn’t I be foolish to pass up the opportunity to try? This is a bond so unique to women and babies. I can participate! If I decide not to, I can’t really get that chance back.

What to do…..

The internet is loaded with information about this for adoptive mothers but little information for non-bio lesbian moms. I only mention that because I think that non-bio lesbian moms would have different situations in many ways, as there is another breast-feeding mother in the picture. Clearly an under reported dynamic. If there are any non-bio lesbian breastfeeding or intending to breastfeed moms out there lurking, talk to me! Any other input, as if some of you need that endorsement, please share.


Keri said...

I'm very happy that you're at least looking into this. I can tell you that it's a beautiful thing and as long as S is supportive of it, you can't go wrong.
It's so incredibly healthy for you and also such a priceless bonding experience for your baby.
When I was first asked about it, I didn't even know it was a possibility. I thought it was odd and even kind of creepy. I would be happy to talk more about away from here. You can email me.

vee said...

I'd love jay to consider this (if you're reading, honey!). I think it would be an amazing thing to do, not only for you and your baby, but also for S too - I know of many new BF mothers who find it SOOOO hard to be a constant feeding machine, especially if they're having trouble getting their supply going. Knowing that your loving partner and baby's mum could help you in that is, I think, a fantastic bonus.

Sara said...

As you both suspect, I'm very much in support of E. I appreciate her concerns for me, but I know that if we can work through and love eachother more after infertility, we could work through any challenges this might cause. I'm not-so-secretly excited about the possibility here - to share in a bonding experience that cannot be replicated. I just want to make sure E makes the best decision for her.

*J* said...

I believe Angele at 2 Girls in Love tried lactation induction. She would probably be able to answer any questions you have.

K J and the kids said...

WOW !!!
SO much to think about.
Let me tell you a couple of things to ponder.
I of course would vote against it, so these are my reasonings. (please know that I support ANY ones decision to do what's best for them)
You will bond with this baby because you are it's mother. You will have the luxury of just doting and rocking and loving it.
Breastfeeding is stressful. It's not easy for a mother who's hormones are all in line.
I've known 4 people who have discussed doing this. Have tried...took pills, teas, pumped, tried, tried, tried. none of them successful.
Right now I think your focus should be on taking care of your wife and baby.
It will not make you any less bonded to your baby. I PROMISE !
I wish you TONS of luck.
I know the decision you make will be the right one :)

jay said...

I am considering it too, but I want E to have a go first so that she can blog about it and I can learn what it's like ;o)

Seriously, I think you should do what feels best for you, E. You outline pretty good reasons to go for it, IMHO. Good luck with the decision!

*G* said...

FWIW, I don't feel like breastfeeding has made me any more bonded to Mater than J is...and J doesn't feel any less bonded to her because she's not breastfeeding.

I know it isn't the case for everyone - some people feel a really strong bond because of it - but for us, that's the way it's worked out. Even though I was anticipating that there might be some difference because of it.

Good luck with the decision!

bleu said...

I think it would be awesome. Breastfeeding has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, truly.

I would urge you though to start with Domperidone from the start and not go through weeks or months of pumping without that to help. Many women wait to try that later and by the time they get to that stage they are already so frustrated.
Another thing, even if you never produce lots of milk you can still breastfeed, you could do a lactation aid system with pumped milk from S or even just do it after the baby got full as a bonding thing.

Here is a great resource and her page on this subject.

sandra said...

Honestly? I say, why not try it. The worst thing that could happen is that it doesn't work -- in which case, you'll at least know you tried. My general thought on this (and life, really) is that the only things we ever regret are chances we don't take. There are nothing but positive outcomes here, as far as I can see. Say the baby does take to you (or your boobs, rather) more than to S'? I can tell you with great assurance that throughout baby's life, he/she will go through phases where the sun rises and sets with one of you more than the other -- this would just be practice for the rest of those (source: my brother). And if it doesn't work? How incredible that you tried; that would make me feel great if I was Sara, or your lucky baby. The breast cancer reduction thing? Absolutely icing on the cake, particularly since you'll now have one more reason to stick around as long as possible. (plus, you might be able to share night feedings, or let Sara and her presumably tired body have a glass of wine here and there without pumping and dumping)