Excitement and dread...

This troupe is off on a new adventure tomorrow. We will be heading the MI again for S’s baby sister’s wedding. This time we are taking the ferry from Milwaukee to Muskegon. It’ll be A’s first boat ride. We will have a busy few days of it; rehearsal, hair appointment, pictures, wedding, reception, gift openings and back on the ferry before you know it.

We come back on Saturday late in the evening. We will spend that evening getting ourselves ready to check into the hospital on Sunday. A has to be there for a day to clean out his intestines in preparation for surgery. The actual surgery is on Monday morning, we are not sure what time. They say it will take up to 3 hours. Following that we are looking at about 5-7 days in the hospital to be sure everything is working correctly.

I have to say, I am full of a strange feeling of excitement and dread. As I think back to his first surgery I was in such a daze that it was all happening I felt out of control. This time I definitely feel like the lead up time has allowed me to analyze and evaluate my feelings toward the surgery. So the clarity lends itself to a different mindset, however that is not the only factor. This time I actually know the kid. I mean, at two days old you are still getting over the shock of having a baby and what is expected of you. We didn’t know the little things like, he loves to have his hands close to his face for comfort. Now I know how to make him smile and laugh, when he is hungry, when he is tired, how to burp him, and much much more. I think this is what terrifies me the most, seeing him post surgery in a sedated state with a breathing tube and knowing he isn’t getting what he needs or wants. It turns my stomach.

On the other hand, I’m excited. This is the end of the ostomy bag. This is the end of fights with the medical suppliers about how many tubes of paste we can get at once. This is the end of A’s illness and the beginning of him having an opportunity to grow without (after a while) a million doctor appointments. It is the beginning of the end for special formula (hopefully) and the beginning of full breastfeeding for S. Now we will not be saying things like, “well, he has to wear a button onsie or his bag will show”. It is the start to so much. I just pray it all goes as planned.

This is it

Today is The First Day Back At Work. I've slept about 4 hours due to anxiety, and I'm going to pack up this morning and leave my boy for the first time since the NICU. Makes for a fantastic start. I'm glad Grandpa is here, as I know A is in capable and extraordinarily loving care....but I'm still not looking forward to it.

Feel free to send me a little extra thought here and there today. I will probably need a few boosts throughout my first day back.

Slipping Away

This is a hard week for me. I go back to work on Monday, and a week following is A's surgery. My tears are flowing... I don't want to go back to work and leave my baby. I don't. want. to. go. I'm starting to concoct all kinds of alternatives - none of which could happen by Monday - so that I don't have to leave him. Throw in the looming surgery in a week and a half and you have a bonified basket case over here.

The time is slipping by. So much change is afoot that all I want to do is curl up in my bedroom with my little boy and hold onto him.

Ahhh home *Updated w/ Pics*

Pictures to detail our fab vacation coming...hopefully tonight...

We arrived home yesterday late afternoon after stopping on our way at Aunt J's to pick up the bridesmaid dress I'll be wearing in two weeks for my baby sis's wedding. (she's not a baby anymore at 25, I guess.) Vacation required good time in the sun, plenty of yard games, a little wine tasting, and oodles of quality time with family.

A met his cousins on my side, and they adore him! G swam her heart out w/ her dog-cousin Olive, and E won the big croquet tournament while also feeding A. She's a multitasking champ too! It was rejuvenating to spend a week with family, and I look forward to it again next year.

It is, however, also good to be home.

Here I sit

in Chicago airport, alone, waiting for the final leg of my flight to Memphis. Only three hours ago I said goodbye to my wife and son for the first time since his birth. I will be away from them both for five days (that is a lot of growth I'm missing). Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit sad.

Moms on the Go

I don't have time to be posting right now... I'm a mom-on-the-go. Well, I don't know about that, but we certainly have a lot going on. We are leaving this afternoon for nearly two weeks. We are driving to MI, where E is catching a flight to Memphis for work. I will be staying w/ my sisters to throw my baby sis her wedding shower. Then, we leave for vacation on Saturday (and E flies back on Sunday to join us). My entire family- 3 sisters & their families, mom and her partner - are all renting a house on a lake for the week.

So, we've been running like crazy, getting A's special formula together (Wal.greens messed up the order - fingers crossed it comes in today or we won't be leaving.) That's on top of getting all of his medical supplies packed and ordered (Wal.greens home care... again messed up the order and we are having it sent to my sisters house across state lines... a whole additional mess...) All of this on our first vacation w/ an infant. So, we've been on the go for a week readying our household for this major undertaking. Luckily, Gladys is easy to pack. She's happy with a Fris.bee and some treats - no worries that she'll poop on a bunch of outfits every day!

So, posting may or may not happen in the next week, but then we're definitely going to be scarce the week following. Have a great 4th, and we'll be back soon!

Feeding my baby

I definitely underestimated the power that feeding my baby has over me. I've never been satisfied in feeding my baby. Of course, E and I were so committed to breastfeeding that she was working on lactation as well. We had planned to nurse A until he was a year old and thought that two of us working toward that end would make it all the more likely that we would give him the best start in life possible.

Of course, you all know of our bowel ordeals. Now, A is on a predigested formula that costs a bazillion dollars (not covered by insurance yet/still....) Instead of proteins, he gets amino acids and instead of fats, he gets fatty acids. When A's stools are within reasonable volume (as in, he is not "dumping"/having increased output and is therefore absorbing an appropriate amount of his nutrients and water), we are able to mix in a bit of breast milk so that he hopefully gets some of the good stuff from it as well.

All of this is somewhat painful for me. Of course, the surgery and the not-knowing around it were nightmarish. That aside, I have all of these issues around A's eating. I pump 6-8 times a day trying to keep up my supply. I feel desperate to try breastfeeding once he is reconnected. Feeding him now is unsatisfying to me - and how selfish is that?! His nutrition is not about me. Yet, I am struck by how I cannot feed my child.

I am not able to focus on the positives: that we no longer have to feed him in a regimented style where we feed according to a three hour schedule and to the most precise cc of formula. Now, he does get to eat when he's hungry, and we are able to give him some breastmilk... but it doesn't feel like enough to me. I want to hold him and feed him. I want to nourish him. I wish his surgery was this week so that we could be done with all of this. I'm tired anyways, all of this pumping is just overwhelming.

Of course, I also cannot stop pumping. I hate it. I hate every second of it. If I stop, though, I'll never get to just feed my child. That's what I want more than anything: those quiet moments of connection where I am giving him something that cannot be bought in a store, or manufactured by a pharmaceutical company. It is what I can do for him that no one else can. I'm glad that my pumping is used somewhat now, but I want the day where no intermediary (pump/bottle) is necessary to deliver the goods.

I know it's random. I'm just having a hard day.. time to go pump...