Here I sit

in Chicago airport, alone, waiting for the final leg of my flight to Memphis. Only three hours ago I said goodbye to my wife and son for the first time since his birth. I will be away from them both for five days (that is a lot of growth I'm missing). Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit sad.

Moms on the Go

I don't have time to be posting right now... I'm a mom-on-the-go. Well, I don't know about that, but we certainly have a lot going on. We are leaving this afternoon for nearly two weeks. We are driving to MI, where E is catching a flight to Memphis for work. I will be staying w/ my sisters to throw my baby sis her wedding shower. Then, we leave for vacation on Saturday (and E flies back on Sunday to join us). My entire family- 3 sisters & their families, mom and her partner - are all renting a house on a lake for the week.

So, we've been running like crazy, getting A's special formula together (Wal.greens messed up the order - fingers crossed it comes in today or we won't be leaving.) That's on top of getting all of his medical supplies packed and ordered (Wal.greens home care... again messed up the order and we are having it sent to my sisters house across state lines... a whole additional mess...) All of this on our first vacation w/ an infant. So, we've been on the go for a week readying our household for this major undertaking. Luckily, Gladys is easy to pack. She's happy with a Fris.bee and some treats - no worries that she'll poop on a bunch of outfits every day!

So, posting may or may not happen in the next week, but then we're definitely going to be scarce the week following. Have a great 4th, and we'll be back soon!

Feeding my baby

I definitely underestimated the power that feeding my baby has over me. I've never been satisfied in feeding my baby. Of course, E and I were so committed to breastfeeding that she was working on lactation as well. We had planned to nurse A until he was a year old and thought that two of us working toward that end would make it all the more likely that we would give him the best start in life possible.

Of course, you all know of our bowel ordeals. Now, A is on a predigested formula that costs a bazillion dollars (not covered by insurance yet/still....) Instead of proteins, he gets amino acids and instead of fats, he gets fatty acids. When A's stools are within reasonable volume (as in, he is not "dumping"/having increased output and is therefore absorbing an appropriate amount of his nutrients and water), we are able to mix in a bit of breast milk so that he hopefully gets some of the good stuff from it as well.

All of this is somewhat painful for me. Of course, the surgery and the not-knowing around it were nightmarish. That aside, I have all of these issues around A's eating. I pump 6-8 times a day trying to keep up my supply. I feel desperate to try breastfeeding once he is reconnected. Feeding him now is unsatisfying to me - and how selfish is that?! His nutrition is not about me. Yet, I am struck by how I cannot feed my child.

I am not able to focus on the positives: that we no longer have to feed him in a regimented style where we feed according to a three hour schedule and to the most precise cc of formula. Now, he does get to eat when he's hungry, and we are able to give him some breastmilk... but it doesn't feel like enough to me. I want to hold him and feed him. I want to nourish him. I wish his surgery was this week so that we could be done with all of this. I'm tired anyways, all of this pumping is just overwhelming.

Of course, I also cannot stop pumping. I hate it. I hate every second of it. If I stop, though, I'll never get to just feed my child. That's what I want more than anything: those quiet moments of connection where I am giving him something that cannot be bought in a store, or manufactured by a pharmaceutical company. It is what I can do for him that no one else can. I'm glad that my pumping is used somewhat now, but I want the day where no intermediary (pump/bottle) is necessary to deliver the goods.

I know it's random. I'm just having a hard day.. time to go pump...

2 months old!

Monday & the week ahead

We had a lovely weekend. We were productive in that we did a bunch of shopping for our upcoming vacation. Then, yesterday, we went to the campus union where we played dominoes, drank beer and people-watched. Perfect thing to do.

This week is already proving to be a bit busy. Today, I started the practical process of my name change. I started at the SS office, where they could not fit both of my "middle names" into the slots, so my official name w/ the SS office is missing one letter. HOWEVER, the lady in the window was fantastic b/c for whatever reason, the name as it appears on the card had enough characters and will appear correctly. Weird, but yahoo! She suggested, though, that I change the rest of my afternoon plans: rather than head on to the DMV, she said I should wait until my new card appears so that I don't have any difficulty getting the name I want on my driver's license. So, first step is taken care of - 39,413 left to go w/ this name change. (Ugh!)

Tomorrow, I have a mommies group (I LOVE my mommies' group - future blog, I suppose!) After that, I have my (finally) 6-week check up post birth. Never mind that A is 8.5 weeks old. Alas. Friday A gets his first round of vaccinations. This upcoming weekend, we will be packing and planning for a very large vacation - nearly two weeks. Never a dull day around here!

Scatttergories!

SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog. Saturday is game day!

Use the first letter of your name of your street to answer each of the following. (if your street name is a number use the first letter that spells the number. If you live on Fifth Avenue then your letter should be F) They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.

1. What is the name of your street? D****t
2. A 3 letter word? Dog
3. Something you would find in an office? Desk
4. Something that smells bad? Doodoo
5. Movie Title? Days of Thu.nder
6. Slow Dance Song? Drive
7. Something in your pantry? Dust
8. Name of a pet turtle? Daphne
9. Fetish or Phobia? Darkness
10. something you would find in your medicine chest? Deodorant

Feel free to play along!

I can't believe it

Maybe this shows we're kinda nerdy over here, but Tim Russert passed away today. Wow, and during such an historically politcal year.

Add to that all of the flooding around here... did you see Iowa??! Houses actually washed away here in Wisconsin, and in the same flood an entire lake drained away! It's all very humbling: as much as humans think we control this world, mother nature shall have her way.

Life as it is now

For three years, E and I worked to get here, to get to this place where we have this marvelous baby boy. I whole-heartedly confess to you all that every second was worth it. Every. Last. Second. I couldn't have imagined how complete I now feel, and I'm loving it. Every. Last. Moment.

I'm absolutely in love with this boy:

Smiley baby

A is smiling now. We love every one of them. I didn't do a great job capturing on camera, but you see the glimmers in these. Also, yesterday, we celebrated E's birthday. Happy Birthday, my love!!

A meets his Cousins!!

J (cammo) and A (red & white stripes) are just 3 weeks apart! M is going to be 4 in July.

We had a great weekend: brunch, farmer's market and the zoo! Thanks for visiting!!